


Pocket full of rye

by drelfina



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Crack, Crack, Ear-verse, F/M, Fluff, M/M, Multi, everyone/Phil Coulson, kitty ears!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-08
Updated: 2014-04-08
Packaged: 2018-01-18 15:57:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,907
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1434289
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/drelfina/pseuds/drelfina
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He falls through worlds as easily as tripping over a stone and banging a head. </p><p>Twelve going on thirteen, and he wakes up in a hospital and a house address that leads to empty land on his lips. </p><p>Phillip J Coulson is twelve going on thirteen and wakes up in a hospital gown to a nurse with little floppy bunny ears and the stern expression of a woman going on fifty. </p><p>**** </p><p>Phillip Coulson falls into a world that's remarkably like ours. </p><p>Except everyone of them have some sort of animal characteristic and everything else is different. </p><p>Other than that, it's pretty much like our world. </p><p>Really.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Pocket full of rye

He falls through worlds as easily as tripping over a stone and banging a head. 

Twelve going on thirteen, and he wakes up in a hospital and a house address that leads to empty land on his lips. 

Phillip J Coulson is twelve going on thirteen and wakes up in a hospital gown to a nurse with little floppy bunny ears and the stern expression of a woman going on fifty. 

*** 

It's a colourful world. 

It's the kind of world where half the population has a second pair of ears, a third have tails of a sort, and the men and boys wear brilliant jewel colours and fights in the hallways includes more often singing competitions than not. 

It's confusing, it's the sort of world your parents have to tell you about since you're able to point and make questioning noises, like why did the puppy give the kitten a cupcake, and why was singing important especially if you were a boy. 

When you drop into a world and a year later walk into a high school that has a fashion palette that assaults the senses, without having grown up with _any_ sort of sense that tells you about it, everything is basically alien, and if you could even try to discern what was teenager rituals, what was particular to _this_ high-school, what was even society-at-large, and what was small town behaviour, you'd have to be a genius. 

It's not really a surprise that Phil retreats to the library where no one is allowed to talk, and studies like crazy to get out of there. 

*** 

The Army takes anyone who has good health; for all that Phil is strangely average, there is nothing wrong with him. He's something of a loner, but he makes friends just as easily as the next guy, moves just as stealthily as a panther in combat gear. 

He doesn't have the eyesight of a cat or raptor to qualify for the Air force, nor is he particularly skilled at water, but he's good at what he does, so he eventually goes into the Rangers, which is where he meets Marcus. 

It's also in the Rangers that Phil gets the nickname 'Cheese'. 

Marcus had given it to him, calling him "Philadelphia Cheese", and it's a nickname like any other, and it's the first that Phil gets, so he doesn't mind it. 

The others rib him and Marcus a little, Marcus more than Phil, and if it seems a little strange that Marcus gets both shy and aggressive about the teasing, Phil has long since given up trying to understand anything these days. 

Eventually, Marcus leaves the Rangers, for this other place called SHIELD, and a year later, Phil follows suit.

*** 

SHIELD is subdued - everyone wears a uniform. Colours and so on are limited to things like cuff links and fancy ties, because the whole point is to not draw attention.

It's in Phil's comfort zone, it _feels_ right, and Phil is good at his job, working up from field agent to handler, watching Marcus, now known as Nick Fury, leapfrog his way up the line to Deputy Director, and then Director.

It's here that Phil knows it's alright to be gay and open about it, and Phil the late end of twenty, sets out to put out delicate feelers on trying to secure a date. 

He starts small, asking if Sitwell wants to get lunch together. 

The guy says yes, asks if Phil would like the muffin on his tray. Phil tells him no, because he already has one. Sitwell nods and the conversation turns to the latest reflector array. 

The lunch doesn't go anywhere. 

Ronson offers him coffee the next day, which he accepts, and the conversation seems to be going _somewhere_ for once, Ronson's body language looking interested. 

Kirsten Lewis interrupts timidly to ask him a question about a form, wordlessly offering a bagel as she did so. Phil takes it because she is as timid as a mouse even though her cat ears flick alertly around, and when he turns back to Ronson, Ronson's smiling politely and saying he has to go finish up a report. 

It happens like that. 

Phil tries to express interest, offering an outing, maybe a trip to the movies, and none of them ever, actually, go anywhere. Everyone is perfectly happy to spend time with him, but only platonically. 

****

Life in SHIELD continues like that, Phil working hard and slowly rising through the ranks himself till he is in the running for Deputy Director, at Level 7, when one Clint Barton, ex-carnie turned mercenary, breezes through the halls like a splash of colour. 

He wears the regulation uniform, but adds bright purple stripes to it, and his bracelets are gold and silver and he's always in the vents. 

Birds like him, bright-eyed and flighty, have something of a reputation, and gossip runs rampant, wondering who this new, fancy asset was sleeping with. 

It's been years since Phil had tried to ... well, express interest in anyone, but he's stupidly taken. 

Clint Barton is never quiet except when he is on a perch with eyes on target, he's like a _hawk_ that way. He talks to everyone he meets, and when he works out in the gym it's like watching a dance, a performance. 

His aim is to die for, and the things he does in a plane is ridiculous. 

Phil asks him out for coffee. 

"I'm good, thanks," Clint says, and Phil would feel let down, he really does, except Clint seems to be eying him.

Phil has no idea what it might mean, but Clint accepts an outing to the Comic Convention the following week, after a mission that has Clint with an arm in a splint, so Phil supposes it's possible that Clint was just bored out of his skull at work.

The day after, Clint offers him his open pack of crisps, and perches on his office couch when Phil accepts. During lunch, he turns down Clint's offer of a muffin, and Clint disappears into the vents for the rest of the day. 

Clint turns down the offer to catch a movie, his expression somewhat odd, like he wanted to but something was saying no, and Phil figures that those rumours are really true, Clint really is that flighty. 

Or more likely, he's already bored of Phil, pushing thirty and boring and losing hair already. 

Still, when he's on clean up in Hong Kong, he wanders past a night-market and sees something incredibly shiny. 

It's a silver bird, set with a blue stone that was too murky to be cut, but polished instead to a beautiful sea blue. 

It is just the colour of Clint's eyes. 

It's inappropriate as hell, but Phil buys it anyway because it reminds him of Clint, and Clint wears charm bracelets and things and well, Clint has never been to Hong Kong. It could be a souvenir. 

Right? 

Except he asks Clint to lunch when he gets back, Clint fresh out from the gym, looking bright eyed and flushed , instead of handing him the souvenir box. 

Phil is an idiot. 

Clint blinks at him, and says yes, immediately, like he'd been wanting that forever, but it’s probably Phil's own weird projecting.

There are rye seed buns at the little bakery that he takes Clint to, and Clint eats like a bird - that is, he eats many small meals a day and snacks on seeds and nuts in between, so hopefully he likes those buns. 

Then Phil fucks up. 

Clint tears a bun in half, and staring at it, picks up one half, his face bright red. 

"Hey, Phil?" He says, offering it up to Phil. 

Phil blinks. "No, it's for you," he says, and Clint’s face falls. 

Phil doesn't even have time to wonder why when Clint stands up. 

"It's really nice, Phil," he said, "I mean Coulson. That you are trying to let me down gentle and all, but you don't have to, I can take a hint, I'll just go." 

Phil hurries to stand, grab at Clint's wrist. "No wait, wait a bit, there's. What did I do wrong?" 

Clint made a frustrated sound - a small cheep. "It's nothing _you_ did, Coulson. I mean I have been ... I was being optimistic and kept offering even though you kept turning me down, it's obvious, and I _know_ you're the picky sort and you'd never choose someone like me -" 

And Phil doesn't know what he's talking about. Phil is _hardly_ picky. 

"No, you -" he exhales and says, "I don't, actually, know what I'm doing. I'm not picky, no one likes me at all, and I thought you might like lunch and maybe a movie and I was trying to ask you out on a date -" 

Clint stares at him and sits down, heavily. "A date? This is - but you refused the bun!" 

Phil stares at him for a long moment. "The... bun? But I bought it for you." And he's really out of his depth, he honestly doesn't get it. "Okay." Agent Coulson mode is on. This is definitely one of the cultural things he didn't get from High school, and had probably passed him over. "I should have taken the bun if I was interested?" 

Clint stares at him. "Yes? And I offered you - I offered you coffee and stuff so often, and sometimes you'd take it sometimes you won't, but then you'd take food from others too and I don't know, is this - is this a test?" 

Food. 

Phil tries to remember each time Clint offered him food, and it doesn't really stand out. 

"I..." Phil inhales and then pulls out the box with the charm. "I just... Confession time, Barton," he says, with a weak smile. "I'm not really from around here. I didn't know how to ask someone out for a date. No one seemed interested, and I thought it was impolite to refuse offers of food. From anyone." 

Clint stares at him longer, unblinking, until Phil puts the box in his hands. 

Then Clint stares down at him, and then back up. "I... not- you didn't know I was courting you." 

"No. I didn’t know. And I don't think you knew I was trying to ask you out." Phil gestures at the box. "That’s for you." 

Clint blinks, and opens it, stares at the trinket. "Oh," he says. 

"Do you like it?" Phil asks, feeling hope rise like a bubble in his throat. 

"Yeah," Clint says, and then beams at him. "So you wanna date me?" 

"Yes," Phil said, firmly, and Clint grins, and immediately holds out his hand, the one with the silver charm bracelet, and Phil helps him put the charm on. 

*** 

Word goes around that Clint Barton has actually landed the _very_ picky Phil Coulson. No one knows how on earth he'd managed it. 

How word gets out is when Clint says that Phil's couch is really uncomfortable, and whether Phil would mind if he brought in cushions. to make it comfortable. 

Phil says Clint can do what he likes, he can bring in blankets and all if he wants. 

Phil only realises he'd basically allowed Clint to nest in his office, when Sitwell comes in with a box of scones for Phil and Clint screeches loud enough to break glass. 

Oh, and Phil finds out that Clint is ALSO very territorial and into mate-defending. 

He doesn't, actually, mind it.

**Author's Note:**

> AKA 
> 
> Phil Coulson dating misadventures where Everyone Thinks He's Picky but he just is oblivious.
> 
> LOL This was inspired by an RP with me and Messypeaches. Hopefully it makes sense and it's enjoyable. :D
> 
> This is based on the premise of "What if the world had animal features? and animal behaviours?" 
> 
> Wherein food is a general courtship gift - offering of food is understood as an expression of interest, while other behaviours can be animal specific - like offering a penguin type a rock. 
> 
> Mate-guarding and territorial behaviours also happen - where singing really loudly and aggressively is an acceptable way of doing either, as well as the usual beating up someone else. 
> 
> Basically an excuse to input some animal behaviours and make use of that animal behavioural classes and degree I have. :D


End file.
